In our last post, we introduced the concept of DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—a common manipulation pattern used to deflect blame and flip the narrative.
But DARVO isn’t always obvious. It can appear subtly in everyday conversations, text messages, emails—even in professional or co-parenting exchanges.
In this post, we’ll help you spot DARVO in action, show examples of how it plays out, and offer tips for staying grounded when you encounter it.
🧠 Quick Recap: What is DARVO?
DARVO is a pattern of emotional manipulation where the person being held accountable:
- Denies the behaviour
- Attacks the person raising the concern
- Reverses roles, claiming they are the real victim
It’s a confusing, destabilising tactic that often leaves you feeling off-balance, guilty, or silenced.
🌱 Why Recognising DARVO Matters
Learning to recognise DARVO is a powerful step toward regaining your emotional balance. Once you can name what’s happening, you can begin to respond—rather than react. You move from feeling confused and self-doubting to feeling grounded and clear.
Naming the pattern gives you back your power.
🕵️♀️ How to Spot DARVO in Conversations
DARVO often appears when you raise a valid concern—and are met with defensiveness, blame, or a sudden role reversal. Here are some real-world examples:
💬 Example: Personal Relationship
You:
“I felt hurt when you dismissed my opinion in front of our friends.”
Them (DARVO):
“That’s not what happened. (Deny) You’re way too sensitive. (Attack) I can’t even say anything without being made into the bad guy. (Reverse Victim and Offender)”
💬 Example: Co-Parenting Text
You:
“Please try to be on time for the school pickup—it’s been late a few times this month.”
Them (DARVO):
“Wow, seriously? (Deny) Maybe if you weren’t always trying to control everything. (Attack) I’m doing my best and you just keep criticising me. (Reverse Victim and Offender)”
💬 Example: Workplace Email
You:
“I noticed the report deadline was missed. Can you please let me know what happened?”
Them (DARVO):
“There’s no need to accuse me—I’ve had a lot on my plate. You never ask anyone else these things. I feel really singled out.”
Note: This may not be full DARVO, but it shows elements of denial and role reversal. Watch for repeated patterns over time.
🔍 Key Warning Signs of DARVO
Use this quick checklist to help identify DARVO as it’s happening:
✅ You raise a legitimate issue or boundary
✅ The response includes denial, minimising, or blame-shifting
✅ You’re suddenly defending your tone, motives, or actions
✅ The other person casts themselves as the hurt party
✅ You leave the conversation feeling confused, guilty, or silenced
🧭 First Step: Observe with Curiosity
The first step in navigating DARVO is not reacting—but observing. Be curious about what’s happening.
After a difficult interaction:
- Ask yourself: Did I just experience DARVO?
- Do a mental or written reflection of the conversation.
- Use highlighters on emails or texts (e.g. yellow for Deny, red for Attack, blue for Reverse Victim/Offender)
- Name what happened and how it made you feel
This process builds your awareness and helps you track patterns—especially with high-conflict individuals.
🧰 DARVO Decoder: 3 Quick Questions
When in doubt, ask yourself:
If the answer is yes—you may be experiencing DARVO.
⛔ Coming Up Next…
In the next blog, we’ll explore how to respond (or not respond) when DARVO shows up, using techniques that help you:
- Pause and ground yourself
- Stay issue-focused
- Use clear, calm language
- Avoid being emotionally baited
These are key skills for maintaining your boundaries and self-respect.
Warm regards
Michelle Grosvenor
Principal Psychologist
Need help navigating high-conflict communication?
At Associated Psychology Practice, our experienced therapists offer practical, compassionate support for anyone facing emotionally manipulative dynamics in personal, parenting, or professional relationships.
📍 Face to face or online sessions available in Penrith and Katoomba
📞 4722-3137| ✉️ info@associatedpsychologypractice.com
#DARVO #EmotionalManipulation #CommunicationSkills #TherapyForBoundaries #HighConflictRelationships #PsychologyTools
This was very insightful and I related it everyday life and relationships
Thank you for your comment.
My son is currently living this and he’s very concerned for his young children. My son was hospitalized recently for suicidal thoughts. And yes, the Abuser removes the Victims support system and destroys Holidays
Yes, it definitely impacts on mental health and well-being. I hope that you & your son are getting the support you need to navigate recovery,