How to Respond (or Not Respond) to DARVO

In our last blog, we explored how to recognise DARVO in real-life communication—when someone Denies, Attacks, and Reverses Victim and Offender in response to being held accountable. Once you can spot DARVO, the next challenge is learning how to navigate it without getting hooked into confusion, guilt, or emotional escalation.

This post walks you through practical steps to respond—or *not respond*—in ways that keep you grounded, issue-focused, and in control of your boundaries.

Step 1: Step Back & Breathe

When you sense DARVO happening, your nervous system may go into overdrive. Before doing anything else:

– Take a slow breath in for four counts.
– Exhale even more slowly for six to eight counts. Slower exhales help signal to your nervous system that you are safe and can settle.
– Repeat this cycle a few times to calm your body.

If you’re feeling emotionally distressed by the content of the message or interaction, consider a grounding technique such as an emotion surfing exercise. These mindfulness-based exercises can help you sit with strong emotions without reacting to them.

A free app like Smiling Mind offers guided practices that can be especially helpful in these moments.

Taking a few moments to regulate before responding helps prevent being pulled into the emotional chaos DARVO is designed to create.

Step 2: Reflect & Decode

Approach this step with curiosity rather than judgment. Reflection allows you to understand what’s happening beneath the surface and reclaim your emotional footing.

Use the DARVO Decoder from our last post to analyse what happened:

– Did they deny what occurred?
– Did they attack your character or intentions?
– Did they cast themselves as the victim, ignoring your concern?

After the interaction, take a moment to write down or mentally review the conversation. Highlight each DARVO element using different colours (e.g. yellow for Deny, red for Attack, blue for Reverse Victim and Offender). This can help you visually break down what happened and notice patterns over time.

Naming these elements helps you shift from emotional reactivity to clarity. It also helps validate your experience, especially if you’re feeling disoriented or unsure about your instincts.

Step 3: Decide If a Response Is Necessary

Not every DARVO situation needs a response. In fact, sometimes no response is a response. Choosing silence or stepping away can be a powerful act of boundary-setting—especially when engaging would only escalate or entrench the conflict.

– Ask yourself: What outcome am I hoping for by responding?
– Is the person capable of having a respectful, issue-focused discussion?
– Is this part of a repeated pattern where engagement leads nowhere or worsens things?

If a response is not needed or won’t be productive, consider disengaging entirely:

“I’m stepping away from this conversation.”
“I’m not continuing this discussion right now.”
“I’ll re-engage only if the focus returns to respectful communication.”

Setting a boundary doesn’t mean trying to control the other person’s behaviour—it means deciding what you will or won’t participate in. You can’t stop someone from sending messages, but you are 100% in control of if, how, and when you respond.

Step 4: Stay Issue-Focused (If You Do Respond)

If you choose to respond, stay on the issue—not their reaction. Avoid defending yourself or explaining endlessly.

Use phrases like:

“I raised this because it impacts me.”
“I’m not here to argue about who’s more hurt. I’m asking for a respectful conversation.”
“Let’s stay focused on the issue at hand.”

Helpful Phrases for Responding to DARVO

“Let’s focus on the issue rather than assigning blame.”
“This isn’t about attacking you. It’s about how the situation affected me.”
“If we can talk without personal attacks, I’m happy to continue.”
“I won’t continue if we can’t communicate respectfully.”

When to Disengage Completely

Sometimes, the healthiest response is none at all:

– When DARVO is a repeated pattern
– When the conversation becomes emotionally draining
– When the relationship feels unsafe

“This conversation isn’t healthy for me. I’m stepping back.”
You don’t need to justify your boundaries to protect your peace.

What Growth Looks Like

Remember: it’s about progress, not perfection.

Even with the best tools, you might react instead of respond—and that’s okay. We’re more reactive when we’re triggered, exhausted, rushed, or just tired of being the calm one.

Practice self-compassion. When you slip, gently guide yourself back to clarity.

Responding with clarity takes time—especially if you tend to people-please to avoid conflict or fear judgment. If you’ve learned to keep the peace at your own expense, it may feel uncomfortable at first to hold your ground.

But each time you pause, reflect, and choose how (or if) to engage, you’re building strength. You’re letting your values—not your fear—guide the way you show up. That’s a powerful shift—especially if you have a tendency to people please. But each time you pause, reflect, and choose how (or if) to engage, you’re reclaiming your voice.

Warm regards,

Michelle Grosvenor

Need Support?

Our team of psychologists and mental health accredited social workers in Penrith and Katoomba provide therapy to help individuals build clarity, communication skills, and emotional resilience.

📞 Phone: (02) 4722 3137
📍 Penrith, Katoomba or online
📧 Email: info@associatedpsychologypractice.com

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